May 15, 2012

• Rethink Boundary

  I was talking to a sister last night and really got to think about the “boundary” stuff we’ve been talking about for the last year or so. The idea behind boundary is that everyone sets their own boundary so that you neither invade others’ boundary, nor let others go beyond your own boundary. The idea is that too many people end up in bitterness and resentment because they weren’t clear in their boundary and so other people unknowingly take advantage of them because they didn’t know it wasn’t acceptable.

  I think there is some truth to it, but the more I practice it, the more I feel uncomfortable with it. Maybe I’m not a pushy and strong person to begin with, but I also think sometimes you can take the boundary teaching farther than it ought to be. I think the main idea behind boundary is knowing your “rights” and protect those rights… and though some rights are inherent to just being human, some of the rights we’re trying to insist here are really personal preferences. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong to the “rights” since they’re just preferences, but when it’s taken to a level that many of us who are exposed to the teaching for the first time are, it becomes more of being self-centered than just having boundaries.

  Granted, for a person who had no boundaries to begin with (or with any teaching in that matter), the first thing that person does is to overdo it. This is natural. The second thing is to feel guilty about it, which is also natural. But I think the third thing is to reevaluate the whole thing and find a balance. A lot of things can’t just be one or the other, insist your rights or be a push over. I guess what I’m saying is… when we try to teach people about boundaries, maybe we ought to teach it in a way that is more balanced so that the person doesn’t go overboard with it.

  Why all the reflection all of a sudden? I guess I’ve been trying to insist my boundaries and rights around my parents. Yes, I was probably living with no boundaries before, but I do realize that I went too overboard. Not only do I constantly reevaluate what my “rights” are, I begin to sense a growing bitterness and resentment towards them as I feel that my “rights” had been stripped or violated often (or in the past). The more I insisted my rights, the more I resented them. I wanted to get rid of the feeling, but I was afraid to be taken advantage of if I don’t continue to insist my rights. It wasn’t until the last few days that when something drastic happened, they still took care of me and cared about my well being more than what was “right”, I felt so regretful that I had resented them for so long. I felt like they didn’t insist their boundaries or rights, while I did.

  Another event happened the past weekend where I overheard a lady from church complaining for a long time to her mom about something…. basically how things aren’t fair and it’s not right… and etc etc. And I started thinking…. if Christians also insist their rights, how are we any different from non-Christians?

  And so I think there needs to be a balance. I feel that it needs to be looked at from God’s perspective. And for God, it’s all about love. You do have a right, but because of love, you give up that right. I have a right not to spend time with my family and do what I want to do, but because I love them, I’m willing to meet their need of wanting me there and do that instead. Even if you do need to keep your rights, you can communicate that right in a way that is loving, loving to the person who hears it by taking their needs into account, instead of begin by thinking about your rights first. A lot of it has to do about carrying your cross, dying to yourself, and care about what others feel more than how you feel. I guess you can say that’s the next level beyond “boundary”, where now that you understand you have your right, you can learn to give it up. I do feel that if you skip over the “boundary” step and directly go to the “self-denial” stage, you may not even do it correctly and feel bitter that God is “making you give it up” instead of seeing it as an offering to God to give it up. Fine line there, but the difference is drastic.

  It’s been a long journey. Sometimes I guess I wish I didn’t have to go through all these pain of learning by experience, but I think God has a hand in this.

  • 4:10 PM
  • 3 Comments