Following on yesterday’s thought… it’s quite interesting that I’ve became such an overachiever. I don’t think I was ever like this before. I’d always see these overachievers in elementary school, middle school, high school and college, but I always thought they were really out there. They’re always anxious, only thinking about achievements and getting good grades, and don’t care about you, if you’re not part of their plan to succeed. I never thought I’d become one of them since I really didn’t have high standards for myself. Somehow, over time, I’ve became one of them. Maybe it’s the day that I realized that “I” could achieve too. Maybe it’s the moment I realized that I am actually pretty smart. Maybe it’s the day I was left in charge of many things and I saw how “I” could make it happen. Whatever the cause, I’ve became quite a perfectionist and an overachiever.

I was finishing up these cake pops for my friend’s son’s birthday, which she already told me don’t wear myself out, yet because I like the sense of accomplishment and adding one more accomplished projects to my repertoire, I went all out getting it done. While I was running to Michael’s getting the last minute item I needed, I had a realization – do I do anything out of love for people or do I just do it for praise and acclaim? If you take away all the responsibilities and jobs I have, I’d certainly create my own projects to accomplish because I’m such a workaholic and I cannot sit idle. It makes me wonder if I go to school to learn or I go to school because it’s another challenge that I want to conquer and say “I did it!” I think it’s quite the latter at this time. I seem to live for praise, approval, affirmation, and the like…

Desperately need Jesus. Desperately need to have Him give me my definition.

Just jotting down a few thoughts before I forget.

It’s quite interesting the “things” you learn from school. I was talking to ET on Sunday about school, and he said that school has taught him a lot about himself, like how he is very focused on getting good grades instead of the point of learning. How true! I’ve also realized that about myself. I’ve been obsessing about getting that “A”, so much that I always want to “best the rest”. I wanted to write the best paper, give the best post, get the most points from each homework, etc… I just want to do the best that I can to get that “A”. Like ET says, Biola grades very easily. I was never used to getting an “A” so easily, especially not in engineering classes. Usually half the class would fail all exams and the professor would have to grade on a curve. I remember studying until 12 midnight each day, and waking up at 6:30am to go to class at 8am. But not so now. Although grading is a lot easier, I have a lot more to read and write that I didn’t used to do. Anyways, back on topic. I’ve realized that I focus so much on getting “A”s in class that I forget why I’m even in school. It seems like the satisfaction I get from going to school is accomplishing another task and patting myself on the back to say “well done”, instead of learning about education and focusing on teaching kids in the future. Oiy. Really need to refocus.

Other interesting thing I learned about school. Why do most college students have Macs?! All the laptops I’ve seen in my class so far had been Macs. My goodness, was there a big sale at the school? Or is this the trendy thing to buy now? I must say, that’s not cheap stuff! I felt out of place bringing in a HP! Ha!

Alright, back to work.

Encouragements are oxygen to the soul, as you may have heard.

I’ve been particularly down today, both because of overwhelming school work and some personal issues. It was really hard to lift myself up to get my essays done… and I was so overwhelmed with the pressure from school that I really wanted to break down. Nevertheless, I went to class today. I think being so overwhelmed (I used that word three times already) makes me kinda spacey… like I’m trying to get things done mechanically, but I’m not all there. When the professor was passing back our homework that she had graded, she said “you’re a great writer!” And I replied, “really? I am?”

Really, I am?

I’ve had people tell me that I write well probably, four times in my entire life. I mean, these compliments lapse over 31 years of my life — they seriously cannot mean I’m a good writer, right? Not only that, every English class I’ve had all showed grades that reflected otherwise. I dreaded English classes. I dreaded writing and reading! And… I’m a great writer? Wow… I guess all I can say is I’m very thankful for her encouragement and compliment. It really gave me the confidence boost I needed to continue the monumental task of finishing the literature review and never-ending papers.

But yes, I just realized how important encouragements are. May I be an “encourager” and not a “discourager”!

This song I’ve been hearing on the radio really says it all. Enjoy!

“Words” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anVweXDcxhA)

They’ve made me feel like a prisoner
They’ve made me feel set free
They’ve made me feel like a criminal
Made me feel like a king

They’ve lifted my heart
To places I’d never been
And they’ve dragged me down
Back to where I began

Words can build you up
Words can break you down
Start a fire in your heart or
Put it out

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You

You can heal the heartache
Speak over the fear
(Speak over the fear)
God, Your voice is the only thing
We need to hear
(We need to hear)

Words can build us up
Words can break us down
Start a fire in our hearts or
Put it out

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You
(Back to You)

Let the words I say
(Let the words I say)
Be the sound of Your grace
(Sound like Your grace)
I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You

I wanna speak Your love
Not just another noise
Oh, I wanna be Your light
I wanna be Your voice

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You
(Back to You)

Let the words I say
(Let the words I say)
Be the sound of Your grace
(Sound like Your grace)
I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You
(Back to You)

Words can build us up
Words can break us down
Start a fire in our hearts
Or put it out

I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You

Wow, I can’t believe xanga still exists! After all those months of raising funds to prolong its longevity. Anyways, I guess my journaling (rambling) will continue!

By the way, it looks much easier to use than before!

I watched Pacific Rim in 3D IMAX today…. wow, what a great movie! I really didn’t have any expectation going in…. especially after seeing the trailer, I thought “oh, another robot/monster movie”. And I especially didn’t want to see it after watching Iron Man III, thinking it was just about the same, and especially because I really didn’t like how dark Iron Man III was. I really hated how the superhero movies lately (the last one I saw before Iron Man being Dark Knight) are just sooooo dark that I feel like, if you are allowed to put this on the movie screen, why are you complaining/lamenting about violence in the world?! You’re practically giving criminals a script to use! I was adamant after that not to see another super hero movies on screen… I just don’t want to support these films anymore.

Nevertheless, my sis came back from watching Pacific Rim saying she’d go see it again. I was thinking, “are you serious? You hate watching American films and you’d see this movie again? And this is pure action film…. that’s a genre you despise, isn’t it?” Just out of support, I decided to go see the movie with her. And wow, was I surprised. Not only was I very much involved in the plot the whole time, empathizing with the characters, I don’t feel the darkness and just pure disgust of the way other directors wrote the script as the other films. (I was very very upset after watching Dark Knight, maybe I’m just not used to the violence depicted in recent superhero films, but I was just so angry at why they even allow such horrible evil and violence to be on the film? In public!).

Reading later about what Guillermo del Toro (the director) said was his concept about his film, I was relieved that he was thinking of the same thing (excerpts from Wikipedia):

Del Toro envisioned Pacific Rim as an earnest, colorful adventure story, with an ‘incredibly airy and light feel’, in contrast to the ‘super-brooding, super-dark, cynical summer movie’.

In the film, a Jaeger’s neural load is too much for a single pilot to handle alone, meaning they must first be psychically linked to another pilot—a concept called “Drifting”. When pilots Drift, they quickly gain intimate knowledge of each other’s memories and feelings, and have no choice but to accept them; del Toro found this concept’s dramatic potential compelling. The director expressed his intention that the empathy metaphors extend to real life: “The pilots’ smaller stories actually make a bigger point, which is that we’re all together in the same robot [in life]… Either we get along or we die. I didn’t want this to be a recruitment ad or anything jingoistic. The idea of the movie is just for us to trust each other, to cross over barriers of color, sex, beliefs, whatever, and just stick together.” Del Toro acknowledged this message’s simplicity, but said he would have liked to have seen adventure films with similar morals when he was a child.^[26] The film’s ten primary characters all have “little arcs” conducive to this idea; del Toro stated: “I think that’s a great message to give kids… ‘That guy you were beating the shit out of ten minutes ago? That’s the guy you have to work with five minutes later.’ That’s life… We can only be complete when we work together.” The director noted that Hellboy and The Devil’s Backbone told the same message, though the latter conveyed it in a very different way.^[36]

Del Toro wanted to break from the mass death and destruction featured in contemporary blockbuster films, and made a point of showing the streets and buildings being evacuated before Kaiju attacks, ensuring that the destruction depicted is “completely remorseless”. The director stated: “I don’t want people being crushed. I want the joy that I used to get seeing Godzilla toss a tank without having to think there are guys in the tank… “What I think is you could do nothing but echo the moment you’re in. There is a global anxiety about how fragile the status quo is and the safety of citizens, but in my mind—honestly—this film is in another realm. There is no correlation to the real world. There is no fear of a copycat Kaiju attack because a Kaiju saw it on the news and said, I’m going to destroy Seattle.

I was so appreciative of the director taking into account the same things I felt was important in a movie — to teach/have the right moral values and not just make another blockbuster so the movie sells. Not only that, but to carefully consider the influence the movie may have on the audience so to reduce the violence and evil it insinuates in the movie.

Along with just great plot that draws you in by making you care about the character instead of a person passively “watching” a movie, I had a great time watching it in 3D, although the two people I went with had different opinions. That 3D effect really make me feel part of the movie! Wow! I wouldn’t mind paying to watch another 3D action film of this quality again! Bottom line, I highly recommend this movie!!

Oh yeah, forgot to mention, the music was awesome! I know most people don’t pay attention to the soundtrack… but, wow, great music!

Something happened today that made me have a strong realization that…. we’re wired to run according to God’s program, not our own program. God’s word is a manual of how to live, how to truly operate this ingenuously designed human being and to live a life in the world that He designs. I don’t know how to explain that kind of awe that “this is my Father’s world”… and it truly is. When we read His words and we either take it as suggestion or refuse to do it, it’s often because we feel like we can already get by without doing it, why go the extra mile to be sanctified? But God’s words aren’t to be taken lightly, as “useful information” and do it at your own suggestion. When God says “forgive each other”, we refuse to do that because we feel like we can stuff it down or just ignore the feeling… not knowing that what God said was intended to heal us, and not doing it creates so much bitterness and that bitterness turns into so much physical harm that we end up destroying our lives. We cannot operate outside God’s manual. I see God’s words say “do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will”, but we refuse to do so, and we end up storing all sorts of wrong thinking in our mind that eventually lead to all sorts of diseases.

With the recent rejection of DOMA, it seems like we’re all again rejecting God’s design and plans for human beings… and this will eventually lead to many other issues that’s beyond what we can bear. Lord, make us humble so that our hearts aren’t hardened against listening and following Your words and to realize that we are only a creation, not the Creator. You love us so much that You gave us a manual… please let us be humble enough be in awe of You.

Read this today:

Forgiving someone happens when you make the decision to stop being upset or angry with someone over their actions or their words. You might still remember what they did that was hurtful; but when you forgive them, you’re deciding not to let it keep hurting you or keep being upset with them for it.

Where did this come from? VBS booklet. All the things we teach kids but sometimes fail to teach ourselves…. Forgiving others seems so easy when we’re kids, but we forget to do this once we grow older. Good reminders to self…. forgiveness frees ourselves from the bitter prison that we’re in and sets us free to receive God’s love

Oh Lord! I need so much more wisdom in caring for others and sometimes counseling others! I feel so inadequate and often not sure if I damaged more than I helped! I really need to learn to leave the results in God’s hands…! So much to learn!

A few things I’ve realized lately….

- Christians are saved in the spirit, as in God has saved our soul for salvation, but we must continue to be saved emotionally. I didn’t realize the reality of it until I started to see lot of Christians, very God loving and God fearing ones not truly holding on to the truths in the Bible most likely because a lot of their emotional areas were really hurt, therefore they mixed their hurt and the way they view the world with what they think true theology is. I think that’s why God wants us to continually renew our minds in His words and to be transformed to His likeness (no longer conformed to the way the world views things).

- I also realized that another way to teach new things to other ppl is to show them. I guess it’s not a brand new way of teaching, but I’ve always thought that ppl will be able to learn well if I just give them detailed instructions, or just show them once. But lately I’ve seen examples of times where when I lead a person to show them exactly how to do it, where they get to do it hands on, they quickly get a hang of it and is able to do it independently than if I just gave instructions. Giving a bit of my time to demonstrate and to coach turns out to be better time spent than giving tons of instructions that lead to nowhere. 

- Lastly, I realized that ppl take time to learn. Maybe I just have a tendency to want to see results quickly that I tend to give a lot of speeches, nagging remarks, and hoping ppl will get it quickly and learn. But things with growth take time and ppl need time to learn. And I also realize that if I really want that person to learn, I have to learn to be a patient coach, to be able to coach that person to follow the right direction, needing my constant attention in their growth process. 

Alright, a little jumbled…. Need to work on my writing skills!

詩篇 73:28
“但我親近神是於我有益”

Psalm 73:28
“But as for me, it is good to be near God.”

How true is that. It’s been a long time since I make it my regular activity to seek God in the morning. Even though I’ve been trying to do that this week, I was really only successful 2 days out of the whole week. But what difference it makes! As I draw near to God, I realize very instantly that He is the ONLY ONE who can ever get rid of the dark areas inside my heart…. to change me entirely. I’ve been trying to use my self will to get rid of all sorts of evils inside of me, but it seems entirely impossible to get rid of the root. When I draw close to God, I feel like He just changes me entirely from the inside out.

Some other thing I realized lately is that…. to my shame, I am more concerned about my popularity than about Jesus’ popularity. I water down the gospel and Jesus so much so that I preserve my “image” in front of others at the expense of God’s truth. Watched a sermon today and one thing the preacher said that really convicted me: “Jesus is not a means to an end. He is the end.” I realized how often I play down the whole Christianity and Jesus to non-believers so that “Jesus” sounds more acceptable to them. “Just pray to Jesus and He’ll help you get ______.” “Oh, don’t worry about that, God will help you, just trust in Him and your ____ will be ok.” I am afraid of telling people that what Jesus really want from them is for them to give up their lives and follow Him. I try to play it down that they’re still growing to the point of wanting to follow Him, when Jesus says in the Bible that it’s all or nothing. When someone says whether it’s ok to follow Him halfway, Jesus will say it’s all or nothing. Really need to come back and draw close to Him daily to change me inside out…. because there is no me without Him.