Wow, I’ve quite neglected this site! I might write something meaningful…. one of these days…

Well…. what I can say about this whole being in charge of the wedding snack things is that I’m entirely more knowledgeable of all bulk food prices, where to shop for various interesting stuff, I know A LOT about baking now…. for example, I now know there are 4 kinds of buttercream… who knew! And how to bring Swiss Meringue Buttercream back to life from droopy mess…. craziness! I almost feel like a pastry chef!

It appears that I have these revelations whenever drastic things happen…. I guess this is normal, since the shocking factor is so huge.

I was reminded of these two verses today:

Galatians 6:2 “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

Galatians 6:5 “For each one should carry his own load.”

It seems contradictory that within the same chapter, one verse says to carry each other’s burden, the other says everyone should carry their own load. Well, these verses came to mind when I thought about a particular situation. I was reminded of myself and also saw it in others’ actions, that many times we don’t carry our own load. When I say things like “well, you’re supposed to accept me the way I am…. I am supposed to be loved unconditionally…” I actually meant that I can behave any way I want and don’t need to carry a responsibility to change… this actually meant that I’m throwing my load of being responsible for my actions onto the other person who I felt needs to carry my load. I know I definitely do this very often, feeling like others ought to do this and that… basically what I’m saying is that I ought to receive grace from others, and you know that the basic definition of grace is undeserved merit, which is fundamentally contradictory to demanding to receive it.

On the other hand, the other verse helps go beyond the first one. On one hand, each person needs to carry their own weight and not expect someone else to carry their load…. not expect someone to be the person to give affirmation, to show appreciation, to give their self worth, to take care of them emotionally, to be able to understand all the needs and all the thoughts…. on the other hand, we’re called to carry each other’s burden, which fulfills the law of Christ, which is “love one another”. So we’re called to carry each other’s burdens only out of love, not obligation…. that we could give affirmation to others if we feel they need it, to show appreciation, to affirm their self-worth, to take care of them emotionally… but not be the sole provider or sole carrier of it, only as a helper. If we expect the other person to carry our loads, and says “well, Jesus said love one another and carry each other’s burden, so you ought to do it”, the meaning of love is lost in there.

Alright, rambling on, but just some revelation…. as for me, carry my own weight. Whatever task God has placed in my life, I ought to carry it myself first. If others can help me carry it a little bit, I can express gratitude, but not demand this to be done every time.

I was talking to a sister last night and really got to think about the “boundary” stuff we’ve been talking about for the last year or so. The idea behind boundary is that everyone sets their own boundary so that you neither invade others’ boundary, nor let others go beyond your own boundary. The idea is that too many people end up in bitterness and resentment because they weren’t clear in their boundary and so other people unknowingly take advantage of them because they didn’t know it wasn’t acceptable.

I think there is some truth to it, but the more I practice it, the more I feel uncomfortable with it. Maybe I’m not a pushy and strong person to begin with, but I also think sometimes you can take the boundary teaching farther than it ought to be. I think the main idea behind boundary is knowing your “rights” and protect those rights… and though some rights are inherent to just being human, some of the rights we’re trying to insist here are really personal preferences. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong to the “rights” since they’re just preferences, but when it’s taken to a level that many of us who are exposed to the teaching for the first time are, it becomes more of being self-centered than just having boundaries.

Granted, for a person who had no boundaries to begin with (or with any teaching in that matter), the first thing that person does is to overdo it. This is natural. The second thing is to feel guilty about it, which is also natural. But I think the third thing is to reevaluate the whole thing and find a balance. A lot of things can’t just be one or the other, insist your rights or be a push over. I guess what I’m saying is… when we try to teach people about boundaries, maybe we ought to teach it in a way that is more balanced so that the person doesn’t go overboard with it.

Why all the reflection all of a sudden? I guess I’ve been trying to insist my boundaries and rights around my parents. Yes, I was probably living with no boundaries before, but I do realize that I went too overboard. Not only do I constantly reevaluate what my “rights” are, I begin to sense a growing bitterness and resentment towards them as I feel that my “rights” had been stripped or violated often (or in the past). The more I insisted my rights, the more I resented them. I wanted to get rid of the feeling, but I was afraid to be taken advantage of if I don’t continue to insist my rights. It wasn’t until the last few days that when something drastic happened, they still took care of me and cared about my well being more than what was “right”, I felt so regretful that I had resented them for so long. I felt like they didn’t insist their boundaries or rights, while I did.

Another event happened the past weekend where I overheard a lady from church complaining for a long time to her mom about something…. basically how things aren’t fair and it’s not right… and etc etc. And I started thinking…. if Christians also insist their rights, how are we any different from non-Christians?

And so I think there needs to be a balance. I feel that it needs to be looked at from God’s perspective. And for God, it’s all about love. You do have a right, but because of love, you give up that right. I have a right not to spend time with my family and do what I want to do, but because I love them, I’m willing to meet their need of wanting me there and do that instead. Even if you do need to keep your rights, you can communicate that right in a way that is loving, loving to the person who hears it by taking their needs into account, instead of begin by thinking about your rights first. A lot of it has to do about carrying your cross, dying to yourself, and care about what others feel more than how you feel. I guess you can say that’s the next level beyond “boundary”, where now that you understand you have your right, you can learn to give it up. I do feel that if you skip over the “boundary” step and directly go to the “self-denial” stage, you may not even do it correctly and feel bitter that God is “making you give it up” instead of seeing it as an offering to God to give it up. Fine line there, but the difference is drastic.

It’s been a long journey. Sometimes I guess I wish I didn’t have to go through all these pain of learning by experience, but I think God has a hand in this.

I’m beginning to realize unless a person is willing to take responsibility of themselves and admit their weaknesses as the problems to be worked on, there’s really nothing we can do for them except to continually love and accept them. I used to try very hard to change myself in the interactions with these people, thinking that somehow it’s something I did that causes the problem or if I were to do something else, they’d be able to accept what I say and change…. But after talking to the person I’ve been trying to communicate for years, I realized they never thought any of my efforts were anything and continued to blame me for not trying hard enough. While I’m writing this, I realized that I’ve also been blaming others for my own faults for years… What a reminder for me to always be humble in the Spirit’s guidance.

But this is a freeing moment for me to realize it wasn’t my responsibility all along since I realized after all the efforts I’ve put in, I still get blamed for not trying harder. Thank God for this moment… I think I’m learning to grow up to be an adult with my own identity…

Sad to say, but I realized that I, along with others of this generation, live in a very “instant gratification” mentality. While we were talking about how kids these days have no patience, most likely due to having so much video games stimulating them so much that they want things in a instant, no patience to wait at all, I realized that I somehow have adapted the same habit.

I realized that whatever I want, I want it now. If I don’t get results in 2-3 days, I’ve declared it useless or doesn’t work. I try losing weight and exercise, and if I don’t see results in 2-3 days, I go back to my original diet. I try to get rid of a bad habit, and if it rebounds in 2-3 days, I say learning new habit is too hard and doesn’t work. I try waiting upon the Lord for a decision, and if I don’t hear anything in 2-3 days, I say there’s no time and I go back making my own decisions.

I don’t just have short patience in terms of self-improvement items, but also in relationship to others. If my suggestions and advice to other people doesn’t change them within 2-3 days, I say they’re unchangeable. If my prayer for people doesn’t create a change in them after 2-3 days, I say that God didn’t use my prayer for anything.

I just don’t have any patience to wait anymore. I want things now. Immediately. Pronto.

It’s gonna be a hard habit to break…… allowing time to pass and allowing things to happen in its time.

quick update…

God has been very very good. not anything i have done, but just learning to yield to the Holy Spirit.

1. the other day, andy and i were shopping at walmart for school supplies and we saw some glue sticks for 40 cents. we wanted to get them, but they were sold out. after andy carefully scavenging all the boxes, he found two remaining amongst the other gluesticks. at that time, a woman came and said she was looking for the same gluesticks since they’re so cheap. she wanted to buy them for kids in mexico that she’s going next week… so she was looking for them too. it was kinda weird w/ her and us looking for the same thing when supplies were so apparently limited. after looking for a while, she decided just to leave. i thought about what we shared in sunday school that morning, Jesus said “it is more blessed to give than to receive” and i thought that God had already given us enough, and will pour out blessing if we’re willing to give, so i asked andy if we can give the gluesticks to that woman since it’s so cheap anyways, and he said if the Spirit is leading you, then go do it. so i approached that woman and gave the gluesticks to her. she was very happy about it… then we went to target and saw more of the same gluesticks for the same price, AND another brand of gluesticks for 20 cents! goodness, if we didn’t follow God and didn’t give, i wonder how we’d have felt… like we’re so cheap!

2. and then the other day i came home finding my dad lying on the couch. i asked if he were ok, and he said he felt very sick. i asked a few questions and kinda just left him. then while i was in my room, i feel like God is saying “you would have prayed w/ him if he were one of your church friends” and i was thinking…. yeah…. so long story short, i went downstairs and asked my dad if i can pray for him. he was very happy about it and hold out his hand. so i prayed for him and he fell asleep in a few minutes. then i asked him the next day if he felt better, and he told me that his fell asleep right after i prayed for him, and after he woke up, it was almost entirely gone! praise God that i actually obeyed…

3. then today when i got to work, i saw a missed call and a msg on my work cell phone. i listened to it and found that my co-worker had called last night b/c she wanted to talk to me. she sounded very sad (i’ve been trying to invite her to church for a while) and wanted to talk to me. i waited for her to come to work then went to see what’s wrong. it turned out that something had happened at work and she felt like everyone was against her and she was very poorly treated. she felt very sad and alone and she didn’t know who to talk to last night to explain the situation except me. and when she couldn’t find me, she turned to the Bible. she was so sad that she was crying when she told me. then i tried to tell her that God is always in control, even when we can’t see Him at work. so i asked her if i can pray for her, and she said yes… and she held out her hand for me to grab while praying w/ her. she felt a lot better afterwards and said that she had actually told her boss that what she really needs now is God. she wanted to invite me to her house for dinner tomorrow so we can talk more! wow! pray that God will continue to work His plan at His own time!

it’s been a while since i updated this blog…. 4 months and some. i’ve realized that it’s harder than usual to get rid of the negativity and the old form of life. Bible says all that, but it’s quite hard. oiy, have to keep fighting it…

Realizing a few things lately…..

1. Pessimism, negativity, and depression comes from seeing reality as reality. The reality is…. real life is very depressing. There’s nothing about this world that is optimistic. So negative people sees things as they really are. On the other hand, positive people sees things as what they could be through faith. And us Christians are to live by faith, and we really should be the happiest people on earth, because we don’t see things as they really are, but what God can do with them. So we live by faith, and not by sight. And when I say sight, I meant reality, feelings, and etc etc.

2. Passive-aggressive behavior is contagious and toxic! I didn’t realize how many forms passive-aggressive behavior comes in before…. and I’m so guilty of it! The “I don’t care, just do whatever you want”, “is there something wrong?” “no, nothing”…. it’s so toxic. The more you do it, the more the poison seems to infiltrate you so that you do it more and more…. it’s like the negativity just spreads all over you. Better just to admit whatever you need and just go the right way….

3. Admitting your own weakness is liberating. It gives true freedom.

sharing on Friday about Saul and his fall… but under spiritual warfare this week (at least that’s what it felt like). been hearing Satan’s comments about how i’m not good enough to share this week and how can i share these things when i’m not living the life God wanted… it’s really hard to fight it off. feel so weak, yet anxious that i only have 3 more days to prepare, but i know this passage is very rich. i really want to let God speak through me, yet i feel my limitations. could you pray for me?